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how to get a catholic theological student to fall in love with you in 30 lines or less

• Me: Well you know Christianity was just a big cult when Constantine came into power. He had that vision or something.
• Student: Yeah he saw God on the battlefield.
• Me: Yeah that thing. But you know his introducing of Christianity as the main religion of Rome was rather clumsy. I just finished a book on Constantine's book selection for the modern bible. He wasn't a bishop or cardinal or anything, he just kind of forced his way into the Church's ranks. Even that guy, uh what's his name? The scholar who was in charge of determining which books are valid or not... His name starts with an "E". Euro- uh.
• Student: Eusebius.
• Me: Yeah that guy. So Constantine really made Jesus in the likeness of him. Suddenly the Christians went from being this persecuted cult to the new persecutors dumping oil and shit on nonbelievers of the main line of Christianity that was accepted at that time. And just like that Jesus went from the merciful pauper to the merciless gold hoarding raping, conquering, murdering, and enslaving emperor. You know they did the sign of the cross over captured Africans before they threw them into the slave ships?
• Student: ...
• Me: Well I was reading The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins said-
• Other student: Richard Dawkins is stupid.
• Me: ... Yeah he's a little arrogant.
• Student: ...
• Me: Well you ever think of what would've happened if Constantine hadn't seen that vision that day? Think about it... We could all have guilt-free sex.
• Student: ...
• Me: Yeah imagine a world like that. Wouldn't it be great? Everyone having sex without having to feel guilty about it.
• Student: ...
• Me: We should all go have guilt-free sex right now.